Qualm. I had always thought it to be a trifling word, perhaps akin to ‘quarrel’: “I have no quarrel/qualm with you, good sir”, said one knight to the other.
Self-professed lover of words, I had assumed that to be without qualm meant to be without concern; without reason for upset; to be unaffected by the matter at hand, purely in a cause-&-effect type of manner – external to yourself.
I was incorrect: It is so much more personal than all of that.
I am new to blogging & so have been looking at the daily prompts for inspiration, and to flex my unused blogging muscles. ‘Qualm’ was not a word that I cared to discuss, yet I quickly double-checked its definition and found the above excerpt.
It does not involve your issues, existing or non-existing, with an external player or situation; it is solely in regards to your Self.
It is with yourself, and with your own actions (or lack thereof), that you may have “qualms”. It is wholly an internal concept, concerning your own morality and/or sanity: “Evil is not having to overcome any moral qualms about killing innocent people”, quotes yourdictionary.com merrily. Thus, to be without qualm does not relate to an old acquaintance and your lack of offence taken from their person. It is not regarding a trifling and petty resentment. Instead, it may signify the incomprehensible darkness that is your stone cold heart. It may be the dead look in a psychopath’s eyes; the smirk upon their lip as some horror unfolds.
It does not involve your issue with another person based upon your history with them, and whether you can suffer to be in their presence – it comes down to your own actions, and what you can or cannot live with. It involves what hurt you can bear to inflict upon another person, regardless of them knowing of your involvement. It is whether you can choose to ignore some other person’s pain, and what hurt you could cause yourself by choosing to do nothing.
Qualm: the quantity of guilt that you are able to live with, or your complete unfamiliarity with guilt at all.
Such a petty-sounding word for which I now have great respect; May I suffer no more qualms for the rest of my long life – but may I always have the ability, lest I fall away to madness.